Friday, June 13, 2014

I'm So Embarrassed

I'm ashamed. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean...I'm an adult. I should know better.

I saw Divergent. I was the ONLY adult there. I felt so stupid. I felt so wrong for liking it. It was exciting and original and intense. I'm so immature. I bet I'm the only adult that's even heard of that movie.

I felt the same way with The Hunger Games, and Twilight, and Ender's Game, and all those Harry Potter movies. I'm basically the only adult in the world that likes that stuff. Maybe there's a few other misfits like me hiding in the shadows of the movie theater and creeping around the YA book shelves.

I'm just glad that Hollywood and the publishing world realizes that adults would NEVER be interested in this kind of childish nonsense!

And I hope no one EVER finds out that I like video games. How embarrassing would THAT be?!

And don't get me started on comic books. I feel so ridiculous every time I'm the only adult at the comic book store.

Adults just shouldn't do what they like, ya know? They should do what complete strangers think they should do. Let's drop all this "be true to yourself" garbage. Let's live to please strangers. Because judging other people is okay. It's how we know right from wrong.

And the most important lesson in life is this: Do what adults are supposed to do. Find the really smart, mature adults, and ask them for the rules of adulthood. They will tell you what you can and can't do. If you follow their rules and are unhappy, too bad. It's better to be unhappy than to be embarrassed for liking things that teenagers like.

I mean let's face it, the leaders of our world don't read stupid YA books, or watch stupid comic book movies. And look how perfectly they run the world. Look how happy and fulfilled they are.

It's time to grow up! You wanna read? Then read the freaking dictionary! You wanna watch a movie? Why? So your brain can turn to mush? You need to be watching C-SPAN!

You don't need to relate to and try to understand younger generations! They're stupid teenagers! They aren't capable of anything, and nothing that is written or made for them has any substance in it! Rape, suicide, eating disorders, divorcing parents, bullying, racism, sexism...huh. This stuff only applies to teenagers.

I'm not gonna be embarrassed anymore! I'm taking my Harry Potter poster down and replacing it with a copy of a Van Gogh. And no more Iggy Azalea on the radio! When I drive, we listen to Beethoven.

And I'm done watching sports! I'm always the only adult watching. What kind of educated adult would spend their time watching a 20-year-old kid try to make a ball go in a hoop? Games are for kids, not adults.

And the next time I go to Disney World, I'm not gonna enjoy it. That place is for kids. I'm embarrassed at how much fun I've had there as an adult.

And you know what's really starting to piss me off? When those damn teenagers show up in one of MY R-rated dramas. How dare they think they can come in and pretend to understand the complexity of a movie made for adults?! Teenagers are only capable of believing in vampires and having farting contests.

I'm also ashamed that I have the Angry Birds app on my phone. Just another disgusting sign that I'm one of the only adults in the world that would do such an immature thing.

I'm just saying, that no matter who we really are, we should all strive to be like the mature, sophisticated, older people that are just oozing with happiness.

Now excuse me, I have to finish coloring my Care Bears coloring book.

"Read what you want. But you should feel embarrassed when what you're reading was written for children."
-Ruth Graham

"Think what you want. But you should feel embarrassed when what you think is stupid."
-Aaron Bergh

7 comments:

  1. Amazing post, Aaron. Every time we go to Disney, all I think is..."When is this Mouse going to leave us alone, and can someone please pass me my iPad so I can read The Wall Street Journal."
    BTW I love Van Gogh, too.

    :)

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  2. Fantastic post. Book shaming is so depressing! The whole point of growing up is you get to like what you like without people giving you shit about it.

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  3. Damn it, I need to put my dour face on whenever I go to disneyworld. I shall have to frown on Tower of Terror instead of yelling my head off with joy. AHHHH.

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  4. Now you must take photos of yourself doing ADULT THING (not THOSE adult things, for they are shameful and come with with a one-way ticket to hell, of course) and post the, I will surely not believe you are an adult without PROOF of this Beethoven-listening and Van Gogh art (just not starry night, unless you want to align yourself with a college freshman who is JUST NOT ADULT ENOUGH). Otherwise it's just not true.

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