Thursday, February 14, 2013

All The Single Ladies

To all you single nerdy book girls:

Happy Valentine's Day!

Are you dateless this Valentines's Day?  No problem.  Say hello to St. Clair Gosling.

Sit back, relax, and put yourself in the place of Nerd Girl.

St. Clair Gosling

If one more woman in this damn office gets flowers, I'm going to throw my new Kindle through the window.

It's Valentine's Day. I'm the only girl at work that doesn't have a date tonight. It's the fifth year in a row that I've had this honor. Out of 123 woman on this floor, 122 have received flowers.  Every one but me.

My mom sent me a Valentine's E-card.  This only makes things worse.

It's almost time to go home.  The women around me are chatting like schoolgirls about their hunky dates. I've given up hope.  I'm just going to go home and listen to Single Ladies by Beyonce, over and over and over.  Then I'll watch Big Bang Theory, play video games, and end the night with The Deathly Hallows.

"Excuse me, are you Nerd Girl?"

I quickly minimize the window on my computer screen showing pictures of One Direction and turn to answer.

"Yeah, I'm..."

I'm speechless.

"I'm St. Clair Gosling, from Accounting."

"Oh, hi."  Well, hello, St. Clair.

"I was just looking for that report on the Chipotle account," he says.

"Oh...umm...I wasn't working on that."  Dammit!  Don't leave, God of Accounting and perfect hair.

"Sorry.  I'll track it down."  He leaves.

I put my elbows on my desk and plant my face in my hands.  Looks like tonight it's just me, Beyonce, and a large pizza.

"Sorry to bother you again," says St. Clair.

My head pops up.  "You're not bothering me.  I was just...praying."

"Praying?  I could...come back."

"No, no...umm, Amen.  What's up?"  You want me to watch you do push ups with your shirt off?  Sure.

"I'm sure you already have plans tonight, but--"

"No, I don't have plans. called earlier and he's...sick.  Bird flu."

"Sorry to hear that.  Maybe fate has brought us together?  Would you like to meet me somewhere tonight?"  He runs his manly hand through his thick, perfect head of black hair.

"Yeah, that would be neat."  Neat?  I'm such a dumb ass!  Neat?

"Fantastic.  There's something I've been wanting to talk to you about."

He smiles.  He has straight, white teeth.  He definitely flosses.  Which means he takes care of his teeth.  Which means he probably has breath that smells like peppermint.  Which means I'm probably going to stick my tongue down his throat after he takes me to a romantic dinner.

"Yeah, fantastic," I say.

Later that evening...

"Shall we?" he says, placing his hand on my lower back and leading me into the diner of a 2-star hotel.

It's not exactly what I was picturing for our romantic Valentine's date, but I guess it's better than sitting at home by myself.  Our table is wobbly, the silverware is dirty, the lighting is bad, and it smells like mildew.

"So, tell me about yourself," I say.

He smiles.  He looks just like David Beckham when he smiles.

"Well, let's see.  I like to work out.  I do 500 Sit Ups a day.  I like to cruise around in my Ferrari.  I LOVE reading YA.  I listen to Beyonce.  I take care of orphans.  I get tattoos.  I do squats so I can have firm butt cheeks.  I read Harry Potter every night.  I speak French, Italian, and whatever other language you think is sexy.  I haven't lost one hair to baldness.  In fact, the top of my head is the only place I even have hair.  I play video games.  I visit Comic Con every year.  I dress up as Gandalf and visit children's hospitals.  I'm an adviser for both Marvel and DC.  I love Pride and Prejudice.  I did a Calvin Klein underwear commercial.  I won first place in a Ryan Gosling look-a-like contest AND a Channing Tatum look-a-like contest.  I have six college degrees.  I also wrote a book titled, Bad Boys Guide to Puppies."

Did he say something about firm butt cheeks?

I'm in love.  Like, true love.  I'm going to propose to him tonight.

After a terrible meal, he asks, "So, what would you do with an extra $500 a month?"

He's already wanting to give me money!  "I don't know.  I'd probably save up enough to go visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter."

"Wonderful.  So you could say that's one of your goals?  You know, achieving that goal is easier than you think.  I'd like to take you to another room now."

It's happening.  He wants to take me to another room...on Valentine's Day!

"That sounds neat."  Neat?!  What the hell is wrong with me?

As I follow him out the room and down the dim hotel hallway, I barely notice all the people in suits and slicked back hair chattering away about vitamins and cleaning products.

This is gonna be a night to remember.  No more lonely Valentine's for this Nerd Girl.

He brings me into a room full of people, but I don't even care.  I'm too focused on thinking about what his abs must look like.

We sit down next to a nervous looking elderly woman.

I gaze at St. Clair.  He's perfect.  He's everything I ever wanted in a man.  I'm going to marry him.

A man at the front of the room taps a small microphone and says, "Welcome, everyone.  Our Amway meeting will start in about five minutes.  It's a terrific day."